It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. I drink to make other people interesting. Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 "How do you feel about women's rights?" "I like either side of them." -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 My mother loved children---she would have given anything if I had been one. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -- Groucho Marx So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW? Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965) A friend is someone who will help you move; a GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body. Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. -- John Kenneth Galbraith Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours. Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes. It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. -- H. L. Mencken Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. -- H. L. Mencken After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken we, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. we have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. -- Drebin, Naked Gun 2 1/2 Q: How many Somalians can you fit in a bathtub? A: I lost count. They kept on falling down the drain. There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you. -- A. Whitney Brown, _The Big Picture_ Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages. In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light." And there was still nothing, but everybody could see it. A metaphor is like a simile. You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. `I want you to stop quoting me out of context,' he said. `Printing my comments intact would make things much easier.' Mansfield went on to claim `I...[like]...boys.' -- From the Harvard Lampoon's mock of the Harvard Crimson Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question. -- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961 We'll burn that bridge when we come to it. I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be. There are three stages in the killing of the astrophysicist: (1) the early stage, when his body successfully resists the tidal forces; (2) the intermediate stage, when it is gradually succumbing; and (3) the final stage, when it has been completely overwhelmed. -- "The fate of a man who falls into the singularity at r = 0" _Gravitation_ My kid beat up your honor student. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. -- Steven Wright Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison." Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it." when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. in my sleep. like my grandfather. not screaming, like the passengers in his car... Colorless green ideas sleep furiously -- Noam Chomsky Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds. -- Albert Einstein It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein God does not play dice with the cosmos. -- Albert Einstein 2 E = M C -- Albert Einstein Pi = 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592... i Pi e = -1 -- Leonard Euler, Swiss mathematician Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice. -- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual "So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?", I asked. He blinked at me as if I were stupid. "Well what do you think you do?", he said. "You die of course. That's what deadly means." -- "Last Chance To See", Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine Winner, "Papers I wish I hadn't written" contest: Montagnino, Lucian A., "Test and Evaluation of the Hubble Space Telescope 2.4 Meter Primary Mirror" Proc. SPIE, Large Optics Technology, Vol. 571, August 1985 It's not the fall that kills you, it's the impact on the rocks below. In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said "Let there be light", and there was still nothing, but you could see it. -- Dave Thomas, SCTV I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor" ... What's my mother going to do? -- Steven Wright C code. C code run. Run code, run...please? The speed of time is one second per second. No matter how hard you throw a dead fish in the water, it still won't swim. A slow winter day A night like forever Sink like a stone Float like a feather I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. "How I wish I could recollect of circle round The exact relation Archimede unwound." -- [Pi] "How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving quantum mechanics." -- Martin Gardner [Pi] Some people are born to write FORTRAN, others aspire to write FORTRAN, but most have writing FORTRAN thrust upon them. Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero. If P is prime, is P' prime prime? Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry. San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and never was. -- Herb Caen If the phone doesn't ring, it's me. The other day I went to the stationery store, but it had moved. Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992? Don't miss it! Anybody who's everybody will be there! A modification of the Delta motto we used after a Delta flight crashed on approach at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport: "Delta---We almost got you there" Q. How do you attract a vegetarian? A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable. Q: Who do you hire to build an ivory tower? A: Deconstruction workers. Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide: A == B; !; A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly. -- Woody Allen ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement? A: A local area networth. It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new name for the USSR. One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer Republics. With departure of Ukraine from the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev announced that the official English name of the former Soviet Union has been changed to Intersection of Soviet Socialist Republics, yet spelled USSR, but with an inverted U. Don't keep a negative attitude, such as "I will not succeed, I will not succeed." Instead, keep a positive attitude: "I WILL fail. I WILL fail." Practice safe government---use kingdoms. Anarchist reply: Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure. ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0 A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more. Twice five syllables Plus seven can't say much but That's Haiku for you. "Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don't want any!" -- Groucho Marx In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following story: "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?" Why did the Mafia kill Einstein? He knew too much. If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is reversed by replay review, does the penalty still count? Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died. No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. Q: What has got two legs and bleeds ? A: Half a dog... Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? Benny Hill: The master of the single entendre. You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around never get around to you. In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy. -- Barry Farber, in the Journal of Petroleum Technology Project: To determine what makes things tick. Plan: ....to stop the ticking. Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial? "In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!" Ovary 1: Did you order any furniture? Ovary 2: No, why do you ask? Ovary 1: Two nuts are downstairs trying to shove an organ through the door. Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences. for.eign aid ['fo.r-*n 'a-d], n.: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Job vacancy advertisment. Wanted: Small man for job as a mud flap. Must be flexible and willing to travel.